he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
How does it feel to date your dad?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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