its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
