hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
