anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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