So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
