I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize