This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
