You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
