i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Come share oat with me in your robe
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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