Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
