i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
