I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
