You're my little dorito
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just high enough for therapy.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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