Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just found a bag of teeth...
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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