1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
