U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
