They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
