We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
