I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
