Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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