i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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