Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
