Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
