Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
