we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
