Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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