I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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