I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
