careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
