a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
