I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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