Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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