took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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