i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
