just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
