I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
