but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
