I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize