someone get that fucking seahorse.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
