i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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