it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
