all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
