So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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