I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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