another moral hangover. fuck.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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