the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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