Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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