her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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