Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
