I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize