Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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