so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
