did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
