It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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