Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
