I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
