You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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