I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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