Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
