he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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